The maid of honor just puked.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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