not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
