i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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