After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
