so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
