remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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