Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
