Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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