Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
