All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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