I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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