I am in a vortex of obligation.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
