What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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