Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
