things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
