I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
