I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
