The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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