I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
