The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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