if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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