I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
