Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
