This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
