Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
