What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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