you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
