I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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