I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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