youre lurking in front of me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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