I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
