Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
