I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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