actually, I'm a sock model
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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