My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Im part way to drunk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
