I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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