I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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