I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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