I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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