She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
