so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
