Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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