listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
