Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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