omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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