didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
