im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize