I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
