Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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