I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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