He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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