note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
