dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
