I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
