Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
