Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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